ITS THE FEAR

Credit goes to Jordin Robin

So, originally I was going to talk about Inception and the amazingness that it was and basically what it taught me (in conjunction with some other things) but I've decided to slot that for a later date (probably Tuesday). I talk about a lot of things on this blog, and nearly all of it is related to writing. I've talked about doubt, sanity, insanity, madness, the writing daze, the writing craze, deadlines - the list goes on. Of course it does. I've been blogging regularly for more than a year now.

One thing I never talk about is fear. Because I like to avoid any and all mentions of fear and just keep trudging along with blinders on. But I've decided (in lieu of a revelation and a panic attack) that maybe I should tackle that topic today.

I've written two completed manuscripts. They are sitting in my little cyber drawers, gathering dust. The first terrified me so much that I never even revised it. I made revision notes, started school and then locked it away. The second I revised, received some agent interest, sent out to betas, queried only a very little (read, three times) and then decided I wanted to rewrite. The rewrite has exploded into something amazing and beautiful and I love it.

But I loved my first two manuscripts, too. I loved them so much. I wrote 20k of The Scion in one week - that's how much I loved it. And I wrote nearly (or more) than 80k of The Pawn (I don't want to talk about how INCREDIBLY MAMMOTH that book is) over the course of three months. I went on writing frenzies, and made covers and playlists and drowned myself in the worlds that I created. But when it came time to buck up and start sending out queries and trying to get my work out there, I freaked.

I love my work. I love it so much. So I'm not objective. I'm not a good judge of how publishable or marketable or good my work is. I don't write for trends. I don't write to please anyone but me. I write what I want and hope that in the end it's good enough, gripping enough, emotional enough, that the world will want to read it. That the world will want to pay to read it.

And I'm afraid. I'm so afraid that it's not good enough. That it's not gripping enough. That it's not emotional enough. I struggle and I gripe and I lay in bed at night avoiding thoughts of sending out queries and having other people who have the ability to reject me read it.

The fear dies down. It always does. But when it's there, it's crippling. Rejection is a reality in this business. Someone, somewhere is going to not like what I write. And I have to trust in the goodness of my work and  in the honesty of my beta readers. I have to trust that when I see a problem or one is pointed out to me I will work and work hard to fix it. That I will do what I have to do and buck up and be a writer.

I have to ask? Do you guys deal with this issue? How? I could seriously use some answers, haha.