I - and I think to a certain extent, every writer - am terrified of being a writer who spends years on a book. I'm terrified that the one idea I have is going to be the best that it's going to get as far as my creativity is concerned and that I'll end up being a one hit wonder (assuming I'm a wonder at all). I don't want agents or publishers or anyone to think that I'm a writer who obsesses over one manuscript and doesn't know how to let go or move on. Thoughts that I am that writer plague me at night, when I'm writing and when I'm trying to outline.
I've been struggling with Eidolon, my current work in progress. Struggling so much, it feels like I'm walking through tar to get to the heart of the story. I'm in love with the concept, with the characters and with what the story could be. But the words aren't coming. And while I struggle with it, my rewrite of The Scion begs to be written and reviewed and outlined and played with. When I daydream, I'm not thinking about Umeko or Jackson (the main characters of my work in progress) but of Behzad and Mihangel and Zainab. I'm not thinking of cyberspace and programming and the digital world but of castles and dark mountains and heavy mist.
And tonight (at two o'clock in the morning) I realized that maybe my mind is trying to tell me something. And maybe I should stop worrying so much. I've only been working on The Scion since November. November. And in my head, subconsciously, I've been racing everyone. I've been setting up deadlines and trying to measure up when my barometer should be me, not the world. When I should be writing what I love not what I want to love.
Don't get me wrong. I love Eidolon. I love it so much. But it isn't what I want to write right now. And even though everyone says this is a business, I think too many people forget that it's also a labor of love. You have to love it to do it. It's why we do it. And wanting to bang my head against my keyboard because I haven't found that place with Eidolon and knowing for every minute that I've found it with The Scion isn't how it should be.
I'm not saying that I should love it every second. But, from my experiences with the first two novels that I've written and the novel I'm writing now, I know how writing should feel for me.
What I'm saying when it comes down to it is I'm putting Eidolon on hold for now. And it pains me, because a part of me, the part that's racing to query and get an agent and get published, feels like I'm giving up. But I'm not. I'm doing what I feel is right and best. And most of me, all of me, feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like I'm free. And for me, that's what writing has always been about. Freeing myself. And that makes me happy.
